The Fanny Pack

I've long despised pockets. Wallets make me feel like I have a massive tumor on my ass. Keys are always molding into the most obnoxious, uncomfortable position they can be in at any given time. Modern smartphones are only getting bigger and wider, and if I wanted that in my pocket, I would carry a spatula. A book bag is a little too much for my needs ... but a fanny pack. Ho-ly shiiit -- a fanny pack would rid my pelvic area of all its encumbrances.

I would love to have one right now. If we were friends and you needed ChapStick -- BOOM -- it's in my fanny pack. You're welcome. Hold on; I think I've got a coupon for Golden Corral in here somewhere. Half-priced buffet if we eat before 6. You're welcome. Dude, you want a Tic Tac? Wintergreen or Fruit Adventure? You're welcome, but don't thank me -- thank the fanny pack. I'd be so goddamn cool.

The Rock in a fanny pack AND an Insane Clown Posse shirt. That's ... that's incredible.

I had a fanny pack when I was a kid. I got rid of it when I entered middle schoo.The biggest reason for that, I think, is that fanny packs are too practical for their own good. They're so functional, they practically sell themselves, but they're also so tragically uncool that they practically recall themselves back to the factory and their Asian sweatshop manufacturers commit seppuku for shaming the world with the uncoolness of their functionally perfect product.

It also didn't help that fanny packs were worn almost exclusively by off-duty professional wrestlers. Wrestlers aren't exactly fashion trendsetters; they tend to dress like athletic homeless people. They hit the gym, scream at a train, and then fall asleep on a brick.

Work that fanny, Granny!

Everything that's cool today will fade into uncoolness with time, only to be brought back by some trendy, useless heiress 15 years from now. Fanny packs are about due for their resurgence, and when they return, you better damn well know that if we're hanging out and you've got the sniffles, I've got a travel pack of tissues for you. They're in my fanny pack. You're welcome.

Money and Happiness

USE MONEY TO ACCOMPLISH STUFF!

Whether it can buy happiness or not, money can of course buy many, many other things. Things like butlers and martial arts lessons and underground lairs. That's right: If you have money, you can become the goddamned Batman.

The happiest man of all.

OK, so maybe Batman isn't that happy. But he is doing something, and for most people, that will lead to happiness. Far too many people spend all their time either trying to get more money or distracting themselves during their downtime. This is the demographic that reports that money can't buy happiness. They've got money, and they sure aren't happy. But if they instead tried to accomplish something more constructive than making more money, they'd almost certainly be happier. Actually building or accomplishing something can provide a deep level of satisfaction that no amount of jet skis or baccarat can match.

This will require a bit of self-reflection to discover the things you'll ultimately want to accomplish in life, but whether it's a creative endeavor, some form of philanthropy, or becoming the goddamned Batman, you will absolutely find lasting happiness in accomplishing those goals. And whether it's affording you the tools, the connections, or even just the free time to pursue these goals, those are things money definitely can buy.

But what if you just don't want to accomplish anything? What if hard work and constructive activity are things that, in the parlance of our times, you can't even? Is there any easier way money can buy you happiness? Oh sure.

Shower Ideas

Go ask anyone where they had their last good idea. Chances are either they'll say it was in the shower or they're lying.

There are several reasons why showers are such idea magnets: You wash yourself more or less on autopilot, so your mind is free to wander. Combined with the dopamine release triggered by the cozy, enclosed place and warm water, this creates the perfect environment for some heavy duty idea-mongerin'. Well, that's what scientists say, anyway. Personally, I've always suspected that getting naked under an artificially heated man-made waterfall and lathering your carcass with surfactants boiled from dead plant and animal drippings causes the universe to lob ideas at you in a desperate effort to make you stop that shit.

Still, whatever the reasons behind its magic, the shower is the perfect idea booster that is very, very difficult to get wrong.

If it doesn't work, call a plumber. If this happens, call a druid.

The Problem:

There is one significant downside to showering. Your ideas are pretty much confined to a single tiny room-coffin, and it just happens to be the one place in the house where it's almost impossible to take notes. Leave the shower, and there's a good chance the idea will be gone in a gust of cold air and discomfort by the time you've toweled off.

With this in mind, I would like to propose a new worldwide business model for universitys everywhere. Let's make showers part of our daily class culture. Let's install shower booths in every classroom, meeting room, and hallway. You know what, forget booths -- let's just cut out the middleman and make everywhere showers. We can keep one small room in each house (the former bathroom, of course) dedicated to boring dryness, where we'd occasionally venture to type down our constant quality ideas. I want this to happen because everyone's brain would constantly be in maximum creative mode, cranking out quality ideas for the meager price of senselessly wasting priceless natural resources 24/7.

The Sand Cat

The sand cat is one of the world's smallest cat species and a skilled nocturnal hunter who knows how to avoid any potential larger predator. It's also a desert dweller in Arabia and the Sahara, which means there isn't much human encroachment on its habitat. And the established tradition where the sand cat was the Prophet Muhammad's companion means no one's developed a taste for eating them.

Want to guess why they're going extinct anyway?

"Oh please don't tell my kitten face any heartbreaking news."

If you guessed "douchebag humans who hunt Earth's cutest animals down for no good reason," you guessed right.

Every other wild cat species is bigger, scarier, and more impressive of a target, but for some reason, people still hunt the sand cat relentlessly.

What's more logical yet still mind-fuckingly evil is those illegal pet traders going after sand cats. They basically look just like house cats, which have been in a Cola War-style popularity contest with dogs for centuries. Just own a normal cat, jerks. Why must you own the endangered version?

That adorable little nose makes a compelling case, but still.

Oh, and the similarities between sand cats and house cats are only fur-deep, because sand cats are shy, feral, nocturnal, and instinctive deadly hunters of small things. That doesn't scream "docile pet that sticks around."

If somebody doesn't do something for the sand cat and all of the other animals on this list, soon we'll be reduced to looking at the same cute pictures of human beings over and over again instead of animal pics, and that's ... a poor substitute?

http://bigcatrescue.org/sand-cat-facts/

The truth on knuckle cracking

Knuckle cracking is an annoying, nerve-wracking habit that comes with its own built-in punishment: namely, arthritis. If you keep on crackin', karma will eventually bite you in the ass in the shape of a painful, potentially disfiguring joint disease. But what else could you expect? You're cracking your knuckles.

But Actually ...

First of all, it helps to understand what knuckle cracking actually is. You're not grinding your bones or popping your joints out of place -- the noise is just tiny gas bubbles popping in the fluid in the joints of your fingers.

They're like party poppers with less clean-up.

There have been multiple studies into the habit, which is how we know which gender cracks their knuckles more (men), how prevalent the habit is, and that it does NOT, in fact, cause arthritis.

If you don't believe any of those studies, maybe you can at least trust a scientist named Donald Unger, who undertook a 50- (50!) year study of the effects of habitually cracking your knuckles, using his own left hand as the test subject and the right hand as a relatively crack-free "control group." Did we mention he did this every day for 50 years? We feel that part cannot be repeated enough.

In the end, he found that there was no correlation between arthritis and knuckle cracking, since both of the hands were fine, and the only discriminating thing about either of them was the fact that they were attached to a potentially crazy person. The scientific community made it known what they thought about the importance of Unger's work by awarding him an Ig Nobel Prize, the closest thing to a Razzie that science can get away with. The dude was still right, though.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/crack-research/

Electives

If you've never heard the term, get familiar with the word "electives." Those courses will be both your dream classes and your ever-taunting nightmares. Electives are classes that are not a part of the core set required for your degree. However, you will be required to take a certain number of these, just in general. It sounds weird, and it is, so let me explain.

Say you want to be a math teacher. Your class planner will show you that you need certain science classes, certain math classes, etc. And sometime between now and when you graduate, you also have to mix in so many hours' worth of elective classes of your choice. In that context, no specific elective is required ... but the class type is.

"Yep. I can feel my psychology skills sharpening by the second."

So now, while you're worrying yourself into vomiting bile over passing these extremely important classes that dictate your future career, you're also forced to take weird nonsense like 1970s Music Appreciation or Buttons to Zippers: A History of Fastening Devices. And yes, they have final exams, just like the rest of your schedule. 

The upside is that there usually aren't many people in attendance, so it's less stressful for a person like me who continuously screams if he's in a room with more than five other humans. And the subject matter is usually pretty light and easy to retain, so it's a break from the normal grind. Unless that class is Advanced Grinding for Stress Lovers.

Even outside of electives, many of your required classes won't have anything to do with your actual career. You'll have to take multiple writing and psychology courses, even if you're shooting for a degree in mathematics or coaching dodgeball. What does biology have to do with your aspirations to teach European literature? Absolutely nothing, besides the fact that ... well, you just have to, because we said so. Please give us money now.

Learning to say "NO"

One of the most common bad traits I've seen in everyday life is people who find themselves unable to say no, even when the deed they're performing dumps their own lives. How many of you have contacts in your phone that make you cringe as soon as you see them light up? The ones who are so bad that you've assigned as their ringtone a recording of your own voice screaming, "DON'T ANSWER THAT! BURN YOUR PHONE AND RUN AWAY!" But you find yourself answering it anyway, and before they even get to the part where they ask for the favor, you already have your bank account, calculator, and calendar open in front of you.

There's nothing wrong with people asking for help, and there's most definitely nothing wrong with you supplying that help, but there are some people who pop up only when they need something. They're not calling to see how you're doing or to catch up. They may start off that way, but it's just the opening act, meant to soften you up for the big question later in the conversation.

"Hey, while I have you on here, did you hear about my accident? I was ramping my monster truck over a lake for charity, and my wallet flew out of my pocket mid-jump and was shot out of the air by a goose hunter. So now I have no cash until next payday. Do you think you could float me some money until Friday?"

Time after time, you find yourself buckling to their requests. Even after you've told yourself that you're going to harden up and tell them to blow a cactus, you still give in. You can't help it. You're a nice person, and if you have the means to help them out, who are you to turn them down?

Why It's So Hard to Fix:

In my experience, the people who fall victim to this generally aren't big into confrontation. Maybe more aptly, they avoid confrontation like vampires avoid sunlight and sharp wood. Unfortunately, the only way I've found to fix the problem is to have a honest talk with the people who take advantage of it.

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com
"Now, how do I say this without using the word 'twat'?"

You don't have to be a dick about it or let the conversation devolve into back flips and spin kicks, but if you want it to stop, you do have to let them know that they can't call you only when they need something. That's not a friendship; it's a government cheese line. And I'm not just talking about favors that involve money, either. I know tons of people who get calls only when their friends are in an emotional crisis. That's a really fine line, because friends should always be there for support when the world turns to shit ... but that shouldn't be the whole goddamn relationship.

Taking that plunge is hard. Many people fear the confrontation so much that they'll never attempt it, choosing instead to always be the go-to solution for others' catastrophes. Just know that the ones who take advantage of you aren't going to have an epiphany on their own and say, "I'm so sorry for the way I've used you over the years. What a fool I've been to have taken advantage of you. Here is a million dollars to make up for it."