According to science, a hiccup is what occurs when I have no idea. What am I, an ornithologist? It's something to do with a flipped diaphragm or whatever. The point is, a hiccup is when someone goes "hyack" about 300 times in a row and you sit there and try not to murder them until it ends.
Nothing in the world has more bullshit home remedies than hiccups. You'd think people would spend more time trying to figure out if lemon and honey cures cancer, but they don't. Instead they let you know that breathing into a paper bag on your head while drinking water with a Hot Pocket in your ass will probably fix those hiccups right up. Also, it never works, so instead of just being annoyed by hiccups, you get annoyed by hiccups and the ridiculous ways people try to fix them. But the fact that there are so many ways to try to fix them speaks to just how much people hate them. They'll try 101 ridiculous things to make them go away because hiccups are the biological function equivalent of that guy who smears shit on the walls in a public restroom. They're just so awful.
No one has control over hiccups, which is why it's kind of shitty to be so frustrated by them. I get hiccups and I piss myself off; it makes no sense. I assume it's the repetitiveness of it that is so off-putting, like when you're a kid in school and that little fuck who sits next to you keeps poking you because his mom drinks a lot and his dad is never there and he thinks this kind of shit is kosher and it's not like it hurts, it's just that eventually you have to stab him with your pencil so he understands his place in the natural order of things.
I like to think that on some primal level we're offended by hiccups as a lack of control. We see some hiccuping chucklefuck and think, "What a weak-willed nancy," or something very similar to that. You can't even stop your body from making cartoon spasms. You eat shit and die. Is that fair? No. But life isn't fair.
No comments:
Post a Comment